Saturday, December 28, 2013

Love and Loss

Well, I really am still alive and do creep on others people's blogs just not on my own. MUST.DO.BETTER.IN.2014!!

This year has gone by in a whirlwind and I am vowing to keep records of 2014 much more!
I have struggled to write this blog for awhile, but I know for healing and my forgetfulness I need to do it, so here goes...

In October, Mike and I took our annual trip to Austin for ACL fest.  This year we were lucky enough to be joined by lots of our friends!!  The highlight for me this year was the band lineup.  I mean who can not get excited about Lionel Richie as a headliner!
Now usually on these trips my OCD, nervous Nellie, personality is in overdrive.  For some reason this year it wasn't.  Mike and I had a blast like a couple of teenagers!

Fast forward to the next weekend, where this lady slept for maybe like 23 hours out of everyday for an entire weekend.  I chalked it up to a SUPER great vacation!
The following week all was back to normal, rested and ready to rock the week.  Several weeks passed and I was beginning to wonder where was Aunt Flow and her monthly visit.  Not real unusual, the older I get the more unpredictable she can be!

Ok, so 10 days after my missed period on a Monday evening I mentioned it to Mike over making dinner.  He went into superhero mode and basically flew to Kroger.  He came back and I swore I would take it the following morning.  HA!  Like either one of us could wait that long, so I rush to the bathroom while the boys were watching TV.
Not kidding....I could not even finish my tinkle before that plastic stick screamed POSITIVE!  
If you know me, you know it takes a little science and planning to conceive, not a weekend of Lionel Richie indulgence, people!

Well there it was, PREGNANT!  Holding my vomit in I called Mike to the bathroom and began to weep uncontrollably.  Mike basically did what any normal husband would do and asked if I wanted to phone a friend as he backed his body into a corner in a defensive stance!  We have been trying, but not really trying for over 2 years.  We had both decided that it wasn't in the cards and we would be content as a family of 3!

OK, so 2 phone calls to friends to cry, laugh, and freak out...  oh and 1 to my pharmacist friend to check on allergy meds I was taking...

Life went on.  I was sick, beyond tired, and scared.  
Went in for my first appointment which they deemed me not quite pregnant according to the sonogram, but preggo according to my urine.  3 weeks later, 2 extra blood draws,  and my increased HcG levels showed that NOW I was "pregnant". Sent home with anti-nausea pills and some high powered pre-natals. Best part was:  due July 1st, a teachers worst nightmare!

We did get some cool sono pics of the baby blob so we rushed to show my sister and later that weekend to share with our parents.  Shared the news with Lucas at a fancy Taco Casa dinner.  He was beyond jazzed to be a BIG BRO! 

For 11 weeks Mike Woods was my night in shining armour.  He did everything while I pretended to not be pregnant and not vomit on anyone!  Laundry, cooking, baths, school work, guitar lessons were all on his plate.  What a man!

The night of Justin Timberlake my bestie Amanda took our family photo for our Christmas cards this year.  We could not wait to break the news this way to all our friends and family.

Then ICE-A-PALOOZA 2013 happened.  That week I started feeling better, like a million times better.  More energy, desire to eat, even did some sledding down the driveway!!!
I had an appointment on Tuesday, December 10th.  Mike was at work, so Luke and I would just meet him there.  Routine appointment.  First time for Luke to go with us and hear the heartbeat.  As luck would have it, Mike was stuck in traffic, so I told him no worries about coming with us.  Should be a quick and easy appt.  
Famous last words...
We settled into a room and the nurse asked the normal questions, told her I was feeling great, over the "hump" I felt like.
She grabbed the doppler and showed Luke how to voice record for Dad to hear.  She could not find the heartbeat.  No biggie, another nurse tried, she could not find the heartbeat.
The doc tried and again no heartbeat.  He assured me that the baby was still very small, so we would just do a sono to get a better look!
I was still not worried, more excited to see the baby again:)
We waited for the room to be prepped and for some reason, as the lady in front of me came out of the sono room crying, I knew something wasn't right.  I'm not really into reading energy but the room felt heavy.  I just wanted to fan the bad air out before I went in, too late...

Luke had a front row shot of the screen.   Having 2 sonos already I knew the heartbeat was always the first thing you see. 
I did not see it, only black.  Like, the worst black color you could imagine.  I quietly started to cry as the doc played with angles.  He then quickly asked a nurse to take brother out.  I then loudly wept.  He saw a baby that never grew beyond 8 weeks, with a head, arm and leg buds developed, but no heartbeat.  I never looked at the screen again.  The rest of the appointment was a haze.  They scheduled a D and C for the next day.  He did not want this miscarriage to proceed on its own. 

I knew I had to get it together for my big boy in the next room.  I sat next to Luke and asked if he knew what had happened.  He said the baby didn't have a heartbeat but it would grow one, right?  God, how I wished it were that simple.
I told him in the best terms I could, heck I didn't even know what was happening and that sweet boy looked at me and said its ok mom, you just have a dead baby in your belly.  Well, yep that about summed it up.  Weirdly, those words have comforted me.  They have helped me not long for something that was no longer mine.
On the way home we both cried a little in the car.  He and I both longing for something we would not get.  He told Mike and me he was sad to not be a big brother.  We cried for that too.

The next day went much better than I ever expected.  The peeps at Baylor All Saints are rock stars. Every person I encountered was so apologetic and assuring, even briefly sharing their stories of loss.  I strangely felt a sense of sisterhood.  
I took the rest of the week off and then finished up the last week before Christmas break. The week back at work was the best medicine anyone could have prescribed.  My school family and team rocked and held my hand and loved me anyway I needed.
  My post op appointment on Christmas Eve went great!  The hardest part was sitting back in the same waiting room with LOTS of pregnant ladies.  My thoughts wanted to turn to anger, but I keep fighting that urge.  We left, thankful for promising news and a sense of hope!

I told Mike that anytime you are faced with tragedy you should take away a lesson.  This taught me about humility and love.  I take pregnancy and having babies way too carelessly.  I take my husband for granted.  I take my precious boy I already have for granted.  This has showed me to love more and laugh more, and enjoy life more.  My love for my husband, son, family, and friends has filled my heart during a dark time.  Knowing they have my back and are praying for me, even when I don't ask gives me comfort beyond measure.
Thank you for listening.